title: this is not an exit
fandom: lost
character(s)/pairing(s): claire/penny
rating: pg
word count: 250
prompt: zinc for femslash100's periodic table challenge (progress 12/30)
spoilers: none; set as an au following the rescue.

summary: claire got off the island instead of desmond.

 

If she was being completely honest with herself, if she had that luxury, Claire would admit that the flowers, the windows draped in black, the note she’d drawn in her mirror that said mourn today… it isn’t really for him.

Her grief is selfish.

Penny takes her hand and if she were to voice her thoughts, the other woman would understand. They’re both in similar predicaments of course. Lovers lost at sea. Responsible for fates they can’t control. Choking on words they never said.

“Charlie was-“ Claire swallows, focuses on the stalagmite pipes belonging to the organ at the back. (Might as well be arteries, aortas, veins, compensating for the ache in her chest.) Past the hundreds of faces she doesn’t recognize, doesn’t even know if Charlie would if he were here. Dozens of ears and multitudes of noses and a million blinks between them reminding her that she never really got the chance to know him at all. “He was kind. Talented. Wise, in his own way.” She smiles to herself a little at that, and she catches Penny’s eye.

She’ll never be able to tell her that it was supposed to be Desmond here. That something strange and unexplained had switched their places, operating from a cabin in the woods that she can only remember in the fuzzy moments just before sleep. But her guilt… it’s spread so thick now another inch won’t matter.

So they’ll mourn, intertwined and weak, not speaking of the lies they tell themselves.