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i was all horns and thorns...
... sprung out fully formed, knock-kneed and upright
there will be blood (vampires of the fandoms, unite!) r 
CR;blood relations
title: there will be blood (but if you're not hemophiliac you don't have to worry)
fandom: buffy the vampire slayer/true blood/twilight
character(s)/pairing(s): (in order of appearance) emmett, willow, faith, rosalie, carlisle, jasper, edward, eric, alice, spike
rating: r
word count: 462
spoilers: none. this is crack, baby, we don't deal in spoilers.
notes: so a while ago i had this idea where i would blend the vamp mythology and general moral tone of all of my vampire fandoms into one epic crossover... and it turned into this ridiculousness. my apologies.

summary: vampire come out of the coffin and madness ensues.

The Pacific Northwest descends into fucking chaos the week the vampires plot their big revelation, like a prom-bound teen plans the romantic loss of her virginity, only to walk in on her boyfriend bent over the wide receiver of the rival football team, widely receiving his cock with his mouth. As Emmett would say, if he hadn’t skulked off to Isle Wherever-The-Fuck-Is-Not-Here, shit got real.

The Watcher’s Council is so busy trying to cover their ass by reigning in their Slayers, in an attempt not to get charged with hate crimes against the undead citizens of the world, that they nearly miss the apocalypse in Boise. Thankfully the Scoobies are already camped out on a tip off from Willow. Unfortunately, not all the interested parties are available to get their slayage on.

“This is bullshit,” Faith snarls across the table, in the third (highly publicized) meeting that week with the vampire queen of California, her palm itching for the stake she’d had to check at the door. “A month ago you would be slime on the pavement, and now I have to drink your weak ass coffee and smile.” She glares, repeating herself for the second (fifth) time, “This is bullshit.”

Rosalie taps her pale pink nails against the marble conference room table. “My apologies. You, after all, are a delight.”

Up further north, Sheriff Cullen and all his chickadees are attempting to mainstream… with mixed results.

“How about old people? Can I eat old people? Not like they’ve got much time left.”

“No, Jasper, old people are off limits too. Can’t you call up your old war buddy for help? Buddy? Billy? Buck-aroo?”

“His name is Bill, and no. I’ll be damned if I’ll ask for help from that idiot.”

Edward looks lost.

“What about murderers, the terrible ones? It’s practically my civic duty.”

“Not even the bad people, Edward. Don’t you have a new girlfriend, though? Surely you could ask her for a donation.”

“Lord have mercy on Satan’s soul, are you blushing Edward? Can we even do that?”

“I’m sure she’s a perfectly nice girl, Edward. Is she O negative? That’s your type, right?”

“You are both ingrates and I hope something horrible befalls you. I’m going to my coffin.”

Jasper holds out his fist and Carlisle bumps it with his own, a guilty smirk briefly gracing his face before schooling it back into authority mode.

“Get me Louisiana on the phone.”

On the other end of the line, along with the post-Sunnydale contingency, Eric is not pleased.

“I ask for negotiators, and you send me Billy Idol and Miss. Cleo.”

Alice waves and Spike fires off the two-fingered salute.

“Fucking amateurs.”

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